Self-Compassion is a superpower
The Importance of Self-Compassion
Most of us are quick to give support to our friends, our family, and others we love. So why do we find it so hard to encourage and support ourselves? This has its roots in a few places, one being in childhood, and another being in the expectations of our culture or the culture you were raised in.
Children need a lot of support and encouragement. Our natural default is to be fearful of new things, new experiences, and change. If it is new, we can’t predict safety, so it makes sense to be fearful. However, if we didn’t receive support and encouragement, or if we were criticized, made fun of, or belittled during stages where we were fearful or needed support, this can make the young mind think that we are undeserving of it. We also may have gotten support, just not the kind of support we needed at the time. We also live in a culture that promotes self-reliance and bravery or courage. We internalize all of these messages and think that WE are the problem. WE are not deserving of the love and support so available to others.
This week we are reclaiming the love we deserve. We are exploring the why’s and how’s of creating more self-compassion - which leads to self-acceptance and ultimately self-love. We condition our thoughts, feelings, and actions to include loving and caring for ourselves like we would a good friend. We in essence, are befriending ourselves so we can be more resilient.
The Benefits of Self-Compassion:
Self compassion increases positive feelings about ourselves.
Self-compassion reduces negative emotions and increases a positive self-perception. When you respond to yourself with kindness, in essence you are saying “I am worthy of kindness”. Many people pleasers suffer from perfectionism. We may have internalized that being perfect made us worthy in the eyes of others. However, we now know that accepting ourselves and our imperfections is what makes us human. We are all part of an imperfect human race. Accepting imperfections in ourselves allows us to accept the imperfections in others and be a better friend and partner.
It also improves our ability to manage and carry discomfort. We become stronger through self-compassion, not weaker. When we are tender to our feelings and understanding towards ourselves, we become better able to bear with disappointment and discouragement, which are all a part of living with imperfect humans!
Self compassion gets us in touch with our feelings. Many of us ignore our negative feelings hoping they will go away. Instead they get buried and fester showing up again and again when similar difficult situations arise. When we can embrace our feelings and insert compassion, we are holding space for ourselves in a way that makes us feel seen and heard. Many of us with this fawning or people-pleasing response have often felt unheard or unseen.
Self-compassion reduces feelings of shame and unworthiness.
This leads us to shame. The latest work in the field of psychology has revealed that the root of much of our resistance to healing lies in feeling ashamed. Shame undermines internal growth. It leads us to a place where we believe we are unworthy of our own love. Self-compassion challenges this notion of unworthiness - we are in fact telling ourselves that we are worthy of our own love and acceptance. This is what gives us courage and resilience. We don’t give up, we get back up. We learn to believe in ourselves and our own power and imprint on the world. This is the emotional strength it takes to overcome difficult times. Worry and lack of confidence do not help us at all. They create fissures where other negative emotions come in. Inserting self-compassion during times of distress will calm and resent your nervous system to be able to problem solve and adjust expectations and even sort through information differently. Self compassion calms and restores the nervous system.
Self compassion improves our coping mechanisms and ability to respond to stress in a positive way.
When we are under distress, the way that we cope can often be self-destructive or self- sabatoging. We can talk ourselves out of what is the next good thing for us, by thinking we don’t deserve it. We can let fear keep us back from resolving conflicts and learning from experiences.
Self-compassion also allows us to create firmer boundaries. We acknowledge that our feelings are accepted and valid - and this gives us the strength to set a boundary to protect ourselves. We can also respond with greater understanding and support when we ourselves have set-backs and failures. These negative experiences are a part of learning and being human. Leaning into our failures can help us connect with others and understand ourselves better.
All of these promote SELF-CONFIDENCE. We don’t need to get our sense of self through the acceptance and approval of others, because we carry that inside. We approve of ourselves and carry understanding and compassion for how we interact with our world. No one understands our particular experiences in life like we do. We can harness that self undersanding and allow it to show up in the world as a positive force.
Self-Confidence is loving yourself enough to believe in yourself no matter the circumstances. Self-confident people are not arrogant, or demanding of others. They have accepted themselves, and in that process are better able to accept others. It is wonderful feeling to know that you are just fine as you are, and that you can handle whatever comes your way. Image what this message gives your nervous system!
What does practicing self compassion look like??
Turn towards your pain and acknowledge it. You may want to just take a moment to yourself to label how you are feeling and naming it. Recognizing the feeling state and any other sensations that come up with
Be a friend to yourself. Tell yourself that it is completely understandable to go through these difficult moments and experience them completely acceptable. Life can hand us some transitions and problems that are difficult. We have the capacity to handle those, but it is also important to allow ourselves time to just acknowledge how hard it is.
Understand that you are not alone. Others feel these difficult times too. They get how hard it is, and may have even been in these circumstances. Understand you are part of a human experience, and that your feelings are felt by many others.
Recognize the importance of the resilience of our ancestors. It is important to recognize the conditioning that has created negative patterning and the strengths that have been passed down to you through the generations before you.
Talk to others about your feelings. Allow them to support you and give you compassion. You are not “a bad person” for experiencing difficult times in your life. You are human and we all need to lean on others. We are “pack animals” and leaning on others provides you with borrowed strength and can sometimes open up a path you may not have found yourself.
Encourage others. Sometimes we get so lost in our own life circumstances that we dont’ consider that others may be having a hard time too. As we care for others we often find a good feeling inside us that we recognize and can apply towards ourselves.
Get physically stronger. When we are physically stronger we can manage psychological distress better. It is amazing how when we feel physically strong it can translate into inner strength. I also incorporate power poses into my daily routine to create a posture of strength and resilience. Even if you don’t feel like it! Move in some way that makes you feel good. Walks are great. I love qigong. Find something you love and do it, even for just 10 minutes a day.
Set boundaries on self-care. Allow yourself to care for yourself! Spend time doing things that feel good to your nervous system. It can be simple like walking outside, feeling the sun on your face, making yourself a cup of coffee, eating a salad for lunch, taking a few deep slow breaths, picking flowers from your garden, texting or calling a friend.... You get the idea. It doesn’t not need to be complicated. It can be a bubble bath or scheduling a massage too. It can be getting up early to see the sunrise. Any of these things that make YOUR nervous system feel good. Many people stuck in fawning or people pleasing dont’ think of themselves even when in distress. Do these things daily - put yourself first DAILY to prevent distress.