As it turns out, I am deserving of power

What does it mean to be EMPOWERED?  

Coming to terms this late in life that most of my life was seeking safety in relationships with others creates a fire to push back in the time I have left. Push into life the real me. I understand now that this safety- seeking is biological; it is based in fear. 

Courage is the backlash of leaning into my fear so steadily and so easily for too long. Fear keeps us safe. That is the design. Stay small, don’t wander off, be still and quiet, be liked, be kind, be soft, be warm, be steady. Be so others can feel safe too. I was boxing myself into a safety chamber. This is absolutely understandable for someone who has grown up around conflict, violence, and addiction. This self-effacing part of me was survival for me and those I loved.  But there are other sides to me that long to be seen and heard. It takes courage to be ourselves when it means risk to relationships.

Courage is the backbone of empowerment. 

Courage isn’t always the loudest voice in your head, but it can be called into the arena. Courage can hold you steady as you move forward. We can lean on courage to push through the difficult moments, knowing that they don’t define us. We get to choose what defines us. 

Courage is noticing what represents you in the space you are in.  You, too, may need to ask fear to step aside so that you can summon courage to break through a pattern you hold onto because it is familiar and approved of by others. We can intentionally find the courage to step forward and be seen. Courage is in the small steps that honor where you are.

Courage can also arrive unexpectedly. I remember hearing courage arrive in my voice when I shared a different opinion, when asking a friend to listen to something I wanted to share, when disagreeing with a popular opinion. I remember feeling courage in my legs when I stood up to leave when others were discussing something I felt offended by, or the time I left because I wasn’t acknowledged in any way. I could feel courage arrive in my eyes. The way I wouldn’t look away when confronted, or diminished, or pushed away. I remember noticing the timbre of my voice when courage arrived, and the steadiness of my jaw, when I first said “no” and “let me consider it and get back to you”. And I remember being utterly surprised to see that others simply agreed, or accepted, or were comfortable with my boundary.

The universe is telling us, be here, be you, and the world will rise to meet you. 

I thought it was going to be so much harder to be myself. I really thought fear was right -  if I wasn’t who everyone wanted or needed me to be, that they would stop loving me. I also thought that they would fall apart too. This role I was playing for so long was for the benefit of their well-being too. Now I realize that other people can actually find ways to meet their own needs without me contorting myself to be there for them, to ease their pain, to suffer so they rise. This may have been necessary in my early years, and I indeed think it was. I see how my role was created out of necessity and desire to uplift my entire family. What a herculean task it was. 

I honor these acts and the position I was in, and can now put them to rest. There is a melancholy state that arrives with this honoring, and I can offer compassion to these feelings. This is an act of courage too. To feel it all, and know that it was the only way to be at the time.

Courage is an act of cleansing.

When I first started setting simple boundaries, long overdue, I did lose some people in my life. That was frightening. And I was gutted. I felt like the reality of my life was ripped open, exposed, and here I was alone in repairing it. At the time, I reprimanded myself, recreating a hundred other ways I could have managed the situation. Then I realized there was really no other way to move forward with my life. This was the only way that allowed me to be myself and accept others the way they are too. If my disagreeing, having an alternate point of view, or saying “no, not now”, was that powerful that it could rip open years of friendship, or take down a family tie, then perhaps the relationship was not good for me after all. And, perhaps I had untapped power I had been giving away all the while. 

One of the most surprising things I discovered once I asserted myself was that most others were fine with me being less than soft, warm, and positive. I found that many people actually want to hear what I “really think” or feel. Many don’t, but I can honestly say those who don’t care what I think or feel when we are in a relationship are really the same people I needed to distance myself from. 

As it turns out, I am in a better place to have lost people who only want to use my cheerful, fun, positive nature, or my deep listening and ability to comfort, in order to advance their own feelings of importance. 

As it turns out, I have a depth that, although well known to me, I want to share with others. As it turns out, I am here to advance my own feelings of value in this world. 

As it turns out, I really don’t want people in my life who use my fear to comfort themselves. As it turns out, I actually have a lot to say, and it is important in this life to be seen and heard. 

As it turns out, I want these same acts of kindness and friendship in my relationships too. And, as it turns out, I deserve them, and they are available - just not in the same places that fear resides.

Courage has taught me that the world is ready for the real me. That I had been looking for love in all the wrong places. That I have personal power and importance in this world. That being real and being alive are the same thing. 

And that is empowered living; when life is in your hands.